Bob Franken

Twitiocy for Twit-Wits

It pains me to admit this, but I am among the Twits who Twitter. There are millions of us and millions more Twitterheads who pay attention-deficit to these self-absorbed mind squirts.

To the few who complain that nothing intelligent can possibly be discussed in such tiny fragments, get over it. That battle has been lost ever since those of us in TV news discovered the sound bite. As the man says “You’ve got know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em.” That, by the way, would work on Twitter. So would “If you can’t beat ’em, tweet ’em”

It’s time to conduct the business of politics and government in Twitter, where our leaders keep us informed on their every thought and activity in bursts that fall into the 140-letter limit. We should probably start right at the top.

Barack Obama, President: “I’ve just gotten up and already my mind is churning about saying what everyone wants to hear today.”

Michelle Obama, First Lady “I’m looking at Barack. As much as he works out, he has such spindly arms. He should never go sleeveless.”

President O: “I’ve got it! I’ll speak out again against outrageous executive salaries.”

Tim Geithner, Treasury Secretary: “I’m going to a private meeting with bankers to assure them we won’t really limit their compensation.”

Larry Summers, White House Economic Poobah: “You’re probably nowhere near as smart as me and therefore unworthy.”

Rick Wagoner, Unemployed Autoworker: “Well I’m off to do my resume. I wonder if there’s a job for me at Treasury.”

John Boehner, Republican Poobah: “Whatever Obama proposes Just Say NO! And Rush Limbaugh rules!!”

Mitch McConnell, another Republican Poobah: Whatever Obama proposes is SOCIALISM. And “Rush rules!!”

Rush Limbaugh, Republican Deity: “Rush rules!! And don’t you forget it!”

Al Franken, Senator-Wannabe: “Rush is still a big fat idiot. And so is Norm Coleman. His attorneys are a royal pain.”

Elizabeth, British Queen: “We were not amused but what were we supposed to do? She put her arm on our shoulder.”

Prince Phillip, Husband of . . .: “Is it me or are the Obamas really tall? My word.”

Dick Cheney, former American monarch: “What a shame they didn’t have Twitter when they wrote the Constitution.”

George W. Bush, former president: “I don’t need 140 letters to express all my thoughts.”

President O: “I am not George W. Bush and I inherited this mess. I will never let you forget that. Ever.”

Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief-of-Staff: “#!@!!*#!!!”

Joe Biden, Vice President and talker: “Only 140 letters?! You gotta be kidding!”

Biden is not the first to ponder Twitter.

Rene Descartes, another philosopher: “I Tweet, therefore I don’t think. Therefore, am I?”

Horace, Ancient Roman Poet: “It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.”

You’ll note that I put Descartes before Horace. Of course neither of them had to deal with Twitter. Unfortunately, we do.

Karl Marx, Manifesto writer. “Twitizens of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your brains!”

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