Bob Franken




Let’s suppose Donald Trump and his family, the Trumpettes, really go down in flames on Election Day, and let’s suppose their last-minute desperate efforts to hold onto power fail. What are they going to do when they’re not facing legal action for all their crimes? That’s easy: The big guy, former President Donald Trump can go back to his life as a successful huckster.
He’s displayed a real talent for pitching products on TV once again with that picture of him in the White House surrounded with Goya products. This, after Goya CEO Bob Unanue had stood in the Rose Garden and gushed, “We’re all truly blessed at the same time to have a leader like President Trump.”
As one can imagine, that caused an uproar in the Latino community, where Trump is not all that popular. How’s that for understatement? At any rate, it set off a major boycott of Goya products. And that’s what inspired President Trump to make his pitch. Not only that, but daughter and senior White House adviser Ivanka modeled her own promo for Goya, posing flashing her pearly whites while holding a can of Goya beans.

Both of those might be violations of the Hatch Act, which prohibits a federal employee from endorsing commercial products, but since when do the Trumpsters pay attention to laws? Just add that to the list of legal reckonings. But setting all that aside, it reveals what we can expect out of Donald Trump if he fails in his effort to be U.S. ruler-for-life. He can copyright an 800 number, like 1-800-HAS-BEEN, or in the case of Goya, 1-800-HAS-BEAN, and sell his alleged heart out. For that matter, Ivanka could become his Vanna White. Melania shouldn’t be a problem. Once she leaves the White House, she’ll just ignore Trump.
There’s no end to the products he can sell. Certainly, there would be Dr. Trump’s Magic Coronavirus Elixir. He’s had a lot of experience with that one. He claims it cures COVID and the economy with every dose. There would, of course, be some side effects. The main one is that it makes you stupid. As part of that TV commercial, Dr. Trump would take a dose, just like he maintains he did with hydroxychloroquine, which can literally make you crazy. By the way, I don’t need to tell you where he got his doctorate, do I? From Trump University.
He will certainly sell Confederate flags. They will come as a combo deal in sets that include a MAGA hat. For a premium, you can buy one personally autographed by Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee or Donald Trump.
Next, he will write his memoir where he describes all the personal wealth he made as president. The working title will be “The Art of the Steal.” Consistent with his intelligence briefings, it will contain few words and lots of pictures. It will be a bestseller. And if it isn’t, Trump will just claim it is. In fact, it will be the biggest bestseller in history. Believe me. And anyone who claims otherwise is clearly a member of the “deep state” or some rascally fake news reporter. Of course it will be closely vetted by his lawyers; not for classified material, but for disclosures that might hurt him in all the litigation.
It should be made clear that all of this speculation is based on the premise that he doesn’t get re-elected, that the Democrats and Joe Biden somehow manage to not blow their overwhelming lead, which is all too often what they do. In that case, President Trump’s second term will be even worse than the first, where he will complete the job of running this country into the ground.

© 2020 Bob Franken
Distributed by King Features Syndicate, Inc.

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