Bob Franken

PUPS AND PERVS (ALLEGED)

FROM KING FEATURES SYNDICATES
BY BOB FRANKEN

PUPS AND PERVS (ALLEGED)

Up until now I haven’t written about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) because he’s too pervy for my taste. And by now you know how warped my taste is.
Besides, he is ALLEGEDLY pervy, so there might be a perfectly good explanation for why he’s being investigated by the feds and the House Ethics Committee for, among other things, taking a minor across state lines to have sex with her — a minor, a girl, a kid. That would make him a pedophile, excuse me, an alleged pedophile. That’s why I have not been interested in discussing Matt Gaetz like the rest of the voyeuristic journalists.
Besides, Gaetz closely associated himself with Donald Trump, so to me he’s already a certified scumbag. At one point he tried to intimidate Michael Cohen, Trump’s former legal go-fer, via twitter. He threatened to disclose Cohen’s alleged extramarital affairs and make his existence a living hell, presumably because Michael Cohen was about to spill the beans on Donald Trump.
To the best of anyone’s knowledge, Cohen’s “girlfriends” do not include anyone underaged, so when it comes to allegations, Gaetz still, uh, trumps Cohen.
But back to why I resisted writing about Gaetz, even though I’m obviously having so much fun. It’s just that I should be focusing on more important stuff. Like, the Biden puppy, Major. At 3 years old, he’s the younger of the two Biden dogs and, might I add, a rescue. Unfortunately, he has a bad habit of biting people. He keeps on getting in the doghouse as he roams the halls of the White House. Major has bitten two people so far — a member of the Secret Service and a Park Service employee.
Now he may be the only German shepherd — at least since Rin-Tin-Tin — who has a press secretary. Jen Psaki explained after the first bite: “Major was surprised by an unfamiliar person and reacted in a way that resulted in a minor injury.” The only problem with that excuse was that the executive mansion is crawling with unfamiliar people — important people at that.
Actually, we discovered after the second incident that he has TWO press secretaries. “Major is still adjusting to his new surroundings,” said Michael LaRosa, who doubles as Jill Biden’s mouthpiece when he isn’t doing his day job, explaining away Major’s “nips.”
But this version of Major’s munchies has one weakness: It’s a story of a dog biting a man, not the other way around. So the Major saga is a minor one. But, you say, a sleazy House member is kind of routine too. So why is everyone getting so excited about Matt Gaetz?
I can tell you what put it over the top for me. It’s when I found out that a group with close ties to Rep. Gaetz is sending two reporters covering his story, letters threatening lawsuits if they continue their line of reporting. That is a close cousin to the cease and desist forms that many embarrassed public figures with deep pockets send to terrify reporters or fainthearted publishers who would have to foot the bill for litigation. It’s a back door way to intimidate. It’s also, in my experience, an admission of guilt. This kind of letter means that there is something there. It is a slimeball tactic to sue or countersue some antagonist out of existence.
It’s also a subterfuge that disses off any journalist worth his salt. Why? Because it works. For every media owner who backs their reporters, there is one who gets wobbly. So when Congressman Gaetz went there, he destroyed any credibility he had with me.
Not that he had much anyway, but I won’t write about this anymore, because I can’t be fair. Not only do I believe the accusations against Gaetz, but he’s among the ones in Washington who I can’t help but root against.

© 2021 Bob Franken
Distributed by King Features Syndicate, Inc.


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