June 15, 2019

A BALLOONING INDEPENDENCE DAY

FROM NORTH AMERICA SYNDICATE, 300 W 57th STREET, 41st FLOOR, NEW YORK, NY 10019
CUSTOMER SERVICE: (800) 708-7311 EXT. 236
BOB FRANKEN
FOR RELEASE FRIDAY, JUNE 14, 2019

A BALLOONING INDEPENDENCE DAY
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Let’s not get too excited over the plans of the protesters to bring over the hilarious “Baby Trump” balloon from London and put it aloft during the president’s Independence Day speech at the Lincoln Memorial. First of all, shouldn’t we remember the nation from whom we declared independence? Duh! July Fourth, after all, celebrates the self-evident truth that 243 years ago the founders declared they were cutting the cord with England. So why would we import anything from there for use on the Fourth? Besides, do you know the chances that our customs people would allow that illegal alien balloon through our ports if it tried to sneak in? The Brits would say chances are nil. We might describe it as, uh, a fat chance.
Americans: Where is your entrepreneurial spirit? Shouldn’t someone in the U.S. of A. make plans right now to mass produce our own Baby Trumps? Or at the very least, shouldn’t we follow the normal corporate model and manufacture them in China -- just like some MAGA hats are. (At least they are right now; we don’t know if they’d be covered if Trump really did level more tariffs on China.)

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June 11, 2019

OUTER SPACE FUNDRAISING

FROM NORTH AMERICA SYNDICATE, 300 W 57th STREET, 41st FLOOR, NEW YORK, NY 10019
CUSTOMER SERVICE: (800) 708-7311 EXT. 236
BOB FRANKEN
FOR RELEASE TUESDAY, JUNE 11, 2019

OUTER-SPACE FUNDRAISING
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Surely we can agree that the people at NASA are showing some true ingenuity with their plans to allow tourists to visit the International Space Station. Starting next year, private citizens will be able to book space (pardon the pun) for up to 30 days at a rate of $35,000 a night. Contact your travel agent for a special deal on transportation and accommodations, for an initial bargain of about $60 million.
Of course, that's not counting the "resort fee" and not counting the tariffs that President Donald Trump will likely impose on souvenirs. Yes, the newly outfitted space hotel would certainly have a gift shop. Plus, we imagine there will be gambling, because there's bound to be a new Trump Casino, which would be his latest property acquisition since his hotel in D.C., widely known as the "Washington Emolument."
Now, why didn't I think of this? I have been the one to suggest so many ways to raise money for the government, particularly since revenue dropped precipitously with the latest GOP tax hike. Selling naming rights for government buildings like the Boeing Pentagon, turning the prison cells at Guantanamo Bay into luxury condos (the ultimate gated community) -- these have been just a few of my ideas that have become the stuff of legend. Actually, they have been totally ignored, but now that NASA is offering the vacation trip of a lifetime, maybe some of these other proposals will see finally see the light of day.

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June 8, 2019

THE GAME SHOW

FROM NORTH AMERICA SYNDICATE, 300 W 57th STREET, 41st FLOOR, NEW YORK, NY 10019
CUSTOMER SERVICE: (800) 708-7311 EXT. 236
BOB FRANKEN
FOR RELEASE FRIDAY, JUNE 7, 2019

THE GAME SHOW
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Let's play "Jeopardy," where the answers are questions. If Alex Trebek were to ask contestants to specify "A glaring contrast between Queen Elizabeth II and President Donald Trump," the correct response would be "What are class and crass?"
Of course, there are other differences between the two. The player says, "I'll take 'Liz and Don' for $400!" Alex would read, "The one who served in the military." The winning answer-question would be "Who is the Queen of England?" Certainly it's not the President of the United States. As we all know, Trump's rich daddy got a podiatrist to write up a diagnosis of bone spurs for his son, real or imagined, which meant that he got to avoid the draft. The queen, then princess, who had a rich daddy herself, begged and pleaded with him until he allowed her to enlist in England's uniformed Auxiliary Territorial Service during World War II. She served as a mechanic and truck driver.
We'll never know if that thought crossed her royal mind as she sat beside the president during ceremonies marking the 75th anniversary of D-Day. He certainly was on his best behavior and did nothing that would have turned the solemn commemoration from D-Day into T-Day.

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June 4, 2019

S & T FETISHIST

FROM NORTH AMERICA SYNDICATE, 300 W 57th STREET, 41st FLOOR, NEW YORK, NY 10019
CUSTOMER SERVICE: (800) 708-7311 EXT. 236
BOB FRANKEN
FOR RELEASE TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 2019

S&T FETISHIST
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As he exercises his Putin-given right as president to lay waste to the United States, it turns out that Donald Trump can really draw from only a very few weapons in his quiver as he causes all the traditional allies to quiver. When all else fails, he pulls out his favorite economy-piercing arrow: the tariff.
Got a problem with immigration? Shoot an escalating tariff at all things Mexico. Never mind that Mexico is the United States’ third-largest trading partner, after Canada and China, where he has also aimed the tariff arrows.
In the case of Mexico, because of the North American free trade agreement, the borders have little meaning when it comes to commerce. Crops move north constantly, a regular flow that keeps prices down. In manufacturing, assembly parts shuttle back and forth incessantly, so the accumulating tariffs would add to the price of just about every consumer good that we Americans purchase. The resulting downturn would mean American layoffs, lots of them. Mexicans also would be put out of work, making sure this economic debacle was spread evenly. That might be a perverse incentive for added numbers of them to try to sneak into the United States.
But when the Trumpster gets an idea in his head, particularly one whispered by his anti-immigration fanatic adviser Stephen Miller, it doesn’t matter whether the outrage is bipartisan or not, as it is in this case. He also doesn’t need the approval of his other aides, who oppose the idea as needlessly destructive to the economy; Trump fires his tariffs willy-nilly at any country that dares to irritate him.
As for those nations where trade is not a reality, like Iran or North Korea, he automatically turns to sanctions. Or blusters about sanctions, otherwise known as BS. Between sanctions and tariffs, the man clearly is an S&T fetishist.

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THE DEM FLOCK

TRUMP DEPENDENCE DAY

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TRUMP WHACK ATTACKS

TRUMP AND HIS REPORTER BUDDIES

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